My friend

In trying to get over this fear of exposure, I think I'll just dive right in:



I have a friend for whom my heart breaks. She was broadsided a few days ago by peole she thought cared very much about (or at least liked) her and her family.


But it turns out that maybe that is not the case. Just last week these same people walked by her and hugged her on pretense of appreciating her and her husband. And now they have gone behind her and in an underhanded, thoughtless, self-seeking way, poured buckets of slimy stench over her head when she thought it was safe to look away. Because she trusted them. Because she believed them.

And it makes me sad.

She has not chosen me as a close friend, so I have not been a party to the conversations I know she has had. I have not been able to give her the comfort I so desire her to have--because she is my friend and I love her dearly. I told her how much I love her and how much I love her family. But I know it didn't help. Not really. I watch her worship when I sing and it moves me. I don't think she can ever know how her worship touches my soul. She worships with such reckless abandon, such overflow of love that I am awed and moved, and I often think, "that is how I want to worship." But she didn't do that this time. She stood with her eyes closed and only raised her hands slightly, tenatively, just for a moment--as if she was unable to open herself up, be that vulnerable.

And it made me angry.

Later I hugged her and told her how I missed her worship and she made some excuse. But I knew.

And it made me sadder.

And it made me angrier.

I wanted to go to battle for my friend! I wanted vindication! I wanted to tell those people where they could take their nastiness. But what good would I do? None. I would just stir up TROUBLE. And that's not what my lovely friend needs. She needs God's vindication. And He is faithful to vindicate. But it is so hard to wait for His time.

Often I can hold my tongue and wait for God to be my champion, but it is so hard to see those I love broadsided. (Maybe that's not entirely true. I guess I have a hard time waiting for God to justify. I want justice and I want it NOW! So I guess it might be better to say, "Sometimes I can hold my tongue blah, blah, blah.") I want to fight for her. I shake my fist and scream, "You'll never get away with this!" But then I know they will, for now. There's nothing I can do. I'm helpless. (I hate that. I hate feeling helpless!) And then I have to admit that whatever I could do, whatever justice I deemed fit wouldn't be very just.

And I have to sigh. And shake my head. And I once again see my imperfections clearly under the light of God's standards.
What a wretched soul I am.