Willing

I have typed the beginning of this blog a million times, but I just can't seem to get it right. I can't think of a beautiful or touching or even a funny way to start. No matter what, I can't figure out the right way to say what is in my heart, so I'm just going to stumble blindly along.

T and I have been facing a really big decision in our lives for several months. I haven't known which way to go. My heart has been in knots at the possible endings to this part of our story. At first, I was afraid to pray anything, because I was afraid of the answer I'd get, so I prayed timidly, brushing lightly and very quickly across the subject. Then I realized that no matter what, I would still have to hear the answer. And I realized even further, that, although we would decide it together, ultimately the decision would have to rest upon T. And that was terrifying. And it was also probably the catalyst for my desperate prayers that he would hear God. That he would pay attention. That he would make the right decision.

So, for a while I began to pray that prayer desperately, fearing the ultimate decision would tear me apart. Fearing that God was going to ask me to give up a place in life that seems to just be coming together. Feeling like the road we've walked has been so long and hard, and we are so close to the end of it, that I didn't think I could manage if He asked us to start over again. I pretended to be totally ok with the prospect of going in this new direction, but I wasn't. In fact, it felt like my heart might be ripped from my chest. T asked me how I felt and I told him I was a little afraid, but I would follow him anywhere. And so, all I knew to do was pray, to cry out. And slowly, so very slowly, I began to feel a little, tiny piece of some comforting, reassuring thing, some.....peace.

As I continued to pray for my husband, I continued to feel a little more and a little more, but I felt convicted because, while I was "being brave" my heart wasn't in it. I was willing to go wherever I needed to, but not with the right attitude. I saw that, in my heart, I was feeling that same old fear, that same old monster I thought I'd gotten rid of.

Without getting too off track, last year was the worst year in our marriage. It was not because of anything either of us had done but because of circumstances in our lives that were beyond our control. During that time, I realized that because of my childhood, and other things that have happened in my life, I had a distorted view of God. I thought of God as some mean, unfair giant looking down, who tortured people by forcing them to do things that they hated, as someone whose love was contingent upon my busyness, my perfection, my constant sacrifice. Through last year, I learned how wrong I was. My thinking and understanding was turned completely upside-down.

All that being said, when this stuff, this decision stuff, came about, I realized that I began to think that way again. I just knew God was going to ask me to sacrifice everything again. (Understand that I do realize what was sacrificed for me.) God began dealing with me about my attitude about sacrifice. Then, worship at church began to take a new direction. Our leader asked us to willingly sacrifice something and pray for our church, our community, our worship. Willingly. It was as if someone turned on a light in my dark room. That word willingly. I was really afraid. Of what, I really don't know, but fears don't always make sense, do they? They somehow grow into giant monsters, take on a life of their own.

But I did. And you know what? It was incredible. And now, I'm seeing that it's not so much about the sacrifice, but about the heart behind it. Yeah, I know, but what can I say--I'm a slow learner. Sometimes God does ask me to sacrifice, but it's not always something huge, and when all is said and done, it's worth it.

I don't know for sure where we'll end up walking. It looks like it will be somewhere better than we could have imagined. Ultimately though, I will go wherever--willingly.

What's that? Worship? You wouldn't believe the difference.